The English Premier League season has just ended. And what a season, a nail-biter right to the death. For those who watch only Liga Super Malaysia and Tiga Ustazah, let me break the news: Manchester City were crowned the EPL champions. Liverpool, despite all the media hype and histrionics, crashed. Chelsea were third. Or turd. The other Manchester team got found out and bombed big-time. Arsenal were Arsenal.
The "Oops, we did it again" banner flown by City fans at the Etihad was a deliberate misnomer and a dig at detractors. There's no oops or accident in City's triumph. It's a clever campaign contrived not only to storm the league, but to inflict the deepest possible pain on pretenders. It's easy in hindsight, you'd say. But how else can you explain it. Wenger's swagger and then Jose's ruse and finally Brendan's orgasms, all wilted under the weight of Pellegrini's poise and composure. City won with two points and 100 goals. Not much, you say, but that's the pain part.
I'm just happy that City came out tops A gross understatement, of course. It's like saying Congo is corrupt. I've been passionately following Manchester City and Kelantan since my early Tiger Lane days. For a very long time I was the only supporter of these two teams at the same time. In 1983 this one-man fanbase jumped 100% when my eldest was born. Life around these underachievers hasn't been easy with a season of false dawn followed by another false dawn and the next false dawn. So there's plenty to savour and ponder over this victory. I'm no pundit, but here's some lessons and take-aways:
1. Class and history are fine rhetoric. But football is more serious than that. Money brings titles. So splash the cash. Buy players who can't speak English. Wenger whinged and dithered, then boasted that he's close to signing Hazard. He's also close to buying Suarez. And Maradona. Obama. For God's sake, just buy, Wenger, buy. Manchester United have been buying players and titles for the last 100 years.
2. Don't count the kittens. Rejoice only when you really, truly, absolutely, genuinely win. Win means win. An EPL team has to play 38 matches. Liverpool celebrated their EPL title when they won the 34th match, against, ominously, Manchester City. Daily Mail and all sex tabloids were all over darling Liverpool. The feelgood frenzy swept across the entire Merseyside, the whole House of Commons, and half of Uttar Pradesh. Then cometh Crystal Palace. This bout of triumphalism led to the colossal collapse.
3. Patience pays. Forget mind games bullshit. Big horses, small horses, dead horses. Liverpool can score 23 goals against Newcastle. All of Everton love Liverpool. Andy Carroll will hit four past City. Total tosh. City strode on, without a whiff of an attempt to wind up Liverpool, not even after Palace flop. Pardew was right about Pellegrini being an old c....His heavy hair-do is annoying. His post-match interviews are exciting if you watch only weather forecasts. And then the persistent and understated "title race isn't over" soundbites he bandied right into the last game. With no weight on their back, City easily nutmegged Liverpool to the title (picture below).
4. Manchester United are mortal. Just like Norwich are mortal. Old Trafford meltdown was one reason for City's flourish. Nothing motivates like a flailing neighbour. City's loss of league title to United by 11 points last season was a difficult joke. This year Man U fell apart and finished seventh, 22 points behind champions City. Remember the columnist at the Guardian (newspaper, not pharmacy) who'd suggested that City's defence of the title was worse than Brad Pitt's defence of the title "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"? The lazy journalist was promptly sacked last week when he showed up with four fake reasons for Man U's title failure (Ok, I made up this one).
5. Now repeat after me "Yaya Toure is the best player in the world".
What's ahead of us? City will keep the cup, score 200 goals and beat up Barca for good measure. For all the brave talk, Liverpool will never, ever recover. The spot where Steven slipped will be declared a World Heritage site. Manchester United and the sexy Dutch manager will buy the whole German national team and move to Bundesliga. Chelsea will be an attacking beast, with two big strikers and one big bus. Arsenal will be Arsenal.
I'm just happy that City came out tops A gross understatement, of course. It's like saying Congo is corrupt. I've been passionately following Manchester City and Kelantan since my early Tiger Lane days. For a very long time I was the only supporter of these two teams at the same time. In 1983 this one-man fanbase jumped 100% when my eldest was born. Life around these underachievers hasn't been easy with a season of false dawn followed by another false dawn and the next false dawn. So there's plenty to savour and ponder over this victory. I'm no pundit, but here's some lessons and take-aways:
1. Class and history are fine rhetoric. But football is more serious than that. Money brings titles. So splash the cash. Buy players who can't speak English. Wenger whinged and dithered, then boasted that he's close to signing Hazard. He's also close to buying Suarez. And Maradona. Obama. For God's sake, just buy, Wenger, buy. Manchester United have been buying players and titles for the last 100 years.
2. Don't count the kittens. Rejoice only when you really, truly, absolutely, genuinely win. Win means win. An EPL team has to play 38 matches. Liverpool celebrated their EPL title when they won the 34th match, against, ominously, Manchester City. Daily Mail and all sex tabloids were all over darling Liverpool. The feelgood frenzy swept across the entire Merseyside, the whole House of Commons, and half of Uttar Pradesh. Then cometh Crystal Palace. This bout of triumphalism led to the colossal collapse.
3. Patience pays. Forget mind games bullshit. Big horses, small horses, dead horses. Liverpool can score 23 goals against Newcastle. All of Everton love Liverpool. Andy Carroll will hit four past City. Total tosh. City strode on, without a whiff of an attempt to wind up Liverpool, not even after Palace flop. Pardew was right about Pellegrini being an old c....His heavy hair-do is annoying. His post-match interviews are exciting if you watch only weather forecasts. And then the persistent and understated "title race isn't over" soundbites he bandied right into the last game. With no weight on their back, City easily nutmegged Liverpool to the title (picture below).
4. Manchester United are mortal. Just like Norwich are mortal. Old Trafford meltdown was one reason for City's flourish. Nothing motivates like a flailing neighbour. City's loss of league title to United by 11 points last season was a difficult joke. This year Man U fell apart and finished seventh, 22 points behind champions City. Remember the columnist at the Guardian (newspaper, not pharmacy) who'd suggested that City's defence of the title was worse than Brad Pitt's defence of the title "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"? The lazy journalist was promptly sacked last week when he showed up with four fake reasons for Man U's title failure (Ok, I made up this one).
5. Now repeat after me "Yaya Toure is the best player in the world".
What's ahead of us? City will keep the cup, score 200 goals and beat up Barca for good measure. For all the brave talk, Liverpool will never, ever recover. The spot where Steven slipped will be declared a World Heritage site. Manchester United and the sexy Dutch manager will buy the whole German national team and move to Bundesliga. Chelsea will be an attacking beast, with two big strikers and one big bus. Arsenal will be Arsenal.
