2012 has been a pathetically slow year. We're into the third month, nothing has moved, and there's a 2011 feel all-round. Most of what's being passed as burning issues now are actually holdovers from the past year: Greek tragedy, next election, more black money handouts, next election, cattle battle, next election, maids wait, Maharaja Lawak. Even Whitney Houston feels like Michael Jackson. But to the curious and industrious mind, there's plenty to feast on if you care to flick behind the calm exterior.1. Hang Tuah Hoax
"There's no Hang Tuah" declared a professor emeritus and spartacus, fuelling a firestorm of protests from legions of legend lovers. This guy is the last word in Malaysian history, so he should know. "Show me the proof" he challenged further, emboldened perhaps by the absence of any Hang Tuah apps on Android. I've a deep and emotional Hang Tuah experience. My form six Bahasa Melayu text book was Hikayat Hang Tuah. Heavy and humdrum like any Stephen King, it's crawling with purported Malay words like sendal, kalakian, arakian, bolak. Problem was, my Bahasa Melayu grade and university entrance would rest on my mastery of this subject. While reading this tome as it was was bad enough, I'd to also read into his character and charisma and form an opinion or two about his leadership style. Well, I thought he's all screwed up or worse. I didn't do too well in the paper, not with an opinion like that. In hindsight, I should've studied low-temperature physics, no opinions. Now, do I agree with the professor? I'd be his grand witness if he got sued or anything. Distractions and delusions like Hang Tuah are the reason behind the steady stream of Malay horror movies and head-banging Astro lawak serials.
2. Mongoose, Civet and Submarine
Old stuff, but you're probably still on the floor laughing. It's as mindless as it gets. The Ministry of Defence posted its official "Dress Code" on its website and had to take it down shortly after a roaring and rolling review by the public. The English translation was so fraught with flubs that it's hard to choose the stand-outs. I like the one on "cekak musang", where it's translated as "tight civet". Further down, you'll discover that it's also translated as, hold your breath, "mongoose fight". Until today I still can't still figure out why there're two versions of the same translation. I mean tight civet is bad enough, why offer an option. My guess is that this very ministry that's given us the submarines isn't sure which animal is right for musang: civet or mongoose. They should consult National Geographic on the right animal, and the right submarine, too. I'm not sure who and how the ministry decided on the translation, and I don't think the minister (a PhD, no less) was involved. This maybe an extremely bad case, but it's certainly not an isolated one. If you're free, visit the websites of some of our local universities. Yes, universities. Read the English version.
3. Ranking Rankling
Another year, another ranking. This one from QS Quacquarelli Symonds Ltd, the same quacks who gave us the dubious World Best University Rankings. But this time it's a ranking of best cities for studies. No, not best cities to be studied on (Malacca wins this hands-down), but best cities to study in. In short, it's best cities for students. Paris is top. KL is 44th. I was surprised initially because this doesn't quite add up. None of our 100 local universities are anywhere near the top 100, and now KL is 44th. What gives? But slowly reason dawns. The ranking is based not just on university reputation, but also other measures like quality of life, affordability and job prospects. What immediately comes to mind is those Nigerians, Iranians, Colombians and Chinese nationals with student visas. And the daily footage of raids and arrests of foreign GROs, drug mules, black money scammers and even ATM machine busters. Now it makes perfect sense. KL has been grossly underrated actually. It should be top, not pedestrian Paris.
4. Boa Business
Competition took a wicked turn in Malacca recently with web postings of people being attacked and even swallowed by huge snakes at a supermarket in Cheng, 4 km from our historical city. Apparently the supermarket had been ridiculously reducing its prices to attract customers, prompting its rival or rivals to hit back hard with the scare tactic. It worked, because the supermarket suffered a 30% reduction in traffic. Postings disappeared when the owner lodged police reports and released its official clarification (and unofficial hitmen). I've never seen anything like this in my forty years tracking business trends and innovations. Harvard should write a case study on this. We've seen Blue Ocean, ambush marketing, cricket match fixings, ponzis, Kardashians, but this serpent strategy has no parallels. But this is Malacca, the city of static monorail, submarine museum and a chief minister who thinks like a box.
5. Sexed Tax
The Minister in charge of the Economic Transformation Program recently declared his support for the plain-sounding but evil-spreading Goods and Services Tax (GST). "We've 28 million people but only one million pay tax" he reasoned. Is that why we need a GST? To tax more people, even retirees, like me? Lots of clever talk lately on GST, mostly from the consultants and accountants, who scent potential blood for their flagging business. But when it comes from the blues-loving ETP champion, I'm seething. One million pay what tax? Income tax? How about 5% service tax on SMS and everything else? Stamp duties? Tax, duty, levy, penalty and extortion on non-Protons? 150% import duty on reconds? The problem with fiscal regimes like GST, VAT and NFC is that it's a dope in disguise. You'll get high on it. I've not seen a GST reduced anywhere, anytime in my life. Even rich and friendly Singapore has ramped up its GST from 3% to 7%. Zimbabwe is planning to abolish its 1000% GST and replace it with death penalty. GST is so fiendishly easy to tweak that it can sex you up for the merest of reasons. More money for uncivil civil servants? Raise GST. More submarines? Raise GST. More GST? Raise GST.
6. Liverpool vs Malaysia
The recent football Carling Cup Final between the English bluebloods and Welsh hunter-gatherers turned out to be a duel of equals after all. Liverpool prevailed by the slimmest possible margin after a lottery of spot kicks. Nothing to shout aloud, but a win is a win, bragged an insufferable Liverpool lover. With Cardiff players sporting "Malaysia" strip, I was rooting for Cardiff. I'd been fantasizing about a QPR and Cardiff final, just for the thrill of watching "Malaysia" against "Malaysia". Did you notice "Genting" on Aston Villa shirts, and "Air Asia" on the Referees' sleeves? Malaysia is making a statement in English football. But not for long. Unlike the Air Asia business model, football franchise is high-cost and long-haul. Ego trip and personal folly aside, there's very little economic sense in chancing your arm with make-believe like Cardiff or QPR. Dump QPR and cut your losses, Tony. Buy Kelantan football team. They're better than Barcelona. Low cost, high passion, sellout crowd.
"There's no Hang Tuah" declared a professor emeritus and spartacus, fuelling a firestorm of protests from legions of legend lovers. This guy is the last word in Malaysian history, so he should know. "Show me the proof" he challenged further, emboldened perhaps by the absence of any Hang Tuah apps on Android. I've a deep and emotional Hang Tuah experience. My form six Bahasa Melayu text book was Hikayat Hang Tuah. Heavy and humdrum like any Stephen King, it's crawling with purported Malay words like sendal, kalakian, arakian, bolak. Problem was, my Bahasa Melayu grade and university entrance would rest on my mastery of this subject. While reading this tome as it was was bad enough, I'd to also read into his character and charisma and form an opinion or two about his leadership style. Well, I thought he's all screwed up or worse. I didn't do too well in the paper, not with an opinion like that. In hindsight, I should've studied low-temperature physics, no opinions. Now, do I agree with the professor? I'd be his grand witness if he got sued or anything. Distractions and delusions like Hang Tuah are the reason behind the steady stream of Malay horror movies and head-banging Astro lawak serials.
2. Mongoose, Civet and Submarine
Old stuff, but you're probably still on the floor laughing. It's as mindless as it gets. The Ministry of Defence posted its official "Dress Code" on its website and had to take it down shortly after a roaring and rolling review by the public. The English translation was so fraught with flubs that it's hard to choose the stand-outs. I like the one on "cekak musang", where it's translated as "tight civet". Further down, you'll discover that it's also translated as, hold your breath, "mongoose fight". Until today I still can't still figure out why there're two versions of the same translation. I mean tight civet is bad enough, why offer an option. My guess is that this very ministry that's given us the submarines isn't sure which animal is right for musang: civet or mongoose. They should consult National Geographic on the right animal, and the right submarine, too. I'm not sure who and how the ministry decided on the translation, and I don't think the minister (a PhD, no less) was involved. This maybe an extremely bad case, but it's certainly not an isolated one. If you're free, visit the websites of some of our local universities. Yes, universities. Read the English version.
3. Ranking Rankling
Another year, another ranking. This one from QS Quacquarelli Symonds Ltd, the same quacks who gave us the dubious World Best University Rankings. But this time it's a ranking of best cities for studies. No, not best cities to be studied on (Malacca wins this hands-down), but best cities to study in. In short, it's best cities for students. Paris is top. KL is 44th. I was surprised initially because this doesn't quite add up. None of our 100 local universities are anywhere near the top 100, and now KL is 44th. What gives? But slowly reason dawns. The ranking is based not just on university reputation, but also other measures like quality of life, affordability and job prospects. What immediately comes to mind is those Nigerians, Iranians, Colombians and Chinese nationals with student visas. And the daily footage of raids and arrests of foreign GROs, drug mules, black money scammers and even ATM machine busters. Now it makes perfect sense. KL has been grossly underrated actually. It should be top, not pedestrian Paris.
4. Boa Business
Competition took a wicked turn in Malacca recently with web postings of people being attacked and even swallowed by huge snakes at a supermarket in Cheng, 4 km from our historical city. Apparently the supermarket had been ridiculously reducing its prices to attract customers, prompting its rival or rivals to hit back hard with the scare tactic. It worked, because the supermarket suffered a 30% reduction in traffic. Postings disappeared when the owner lodged police reports and released its official clarification (and unofficial hitmen). I've never seen anything like this in my forty years tracking business trends and innovations. Harvard should write a case study on this. We've seen Blue Ocean, ambush marketing, cricket match fixings, ponzis, Kardashians, but this serpent strategy has no parallels. But this is Malacca, the city of static monorail, submarine museum and a chief minister who thinks like a box.
5. Sexed Tax
The Minister in charge of the Economic Transformation Program recently declared his support for the plain-sounding but evil-spreading Goods and Services Tax (GST). "We've 28 million people but only one million pay tax" he reasoned. Is that why we need a GST? To tax more people, even retirees, like me? Lots of clever talk lately on GST, mostly from the consultants and accountants, who scent potential blood for their flagging business. But when it comes from the blues-loving ETP champion, I'm seething. One million pay what tax? Income tax? How about 5% service tax on SMS and everything else? Stamp duties? Tax, duty, levy, penalty and extortion on non-Protons? 150% import duty on reconds? The problem with fiscal regimes like GST, VAT and NFC is that it's a dope in disguise. You'll get high on it. I've not seen a GST reduced anywhere, anytime in my life. Even rich and friendly Singapore has ramped up its GST from 3% to 7%. Zimbabwe is planning to abolish its 1000% GST and replace it with death penalty. GST is so fiendishly easy to tweak that it can sex you up for the merest of reasons. More money for uncivil civil servants? Raise GST. More submarines? Raise GST. More GST? Raise GST.
6. Liverpool vs Malaysia
The recent football Carling Cup Final between the English bluebloods and Welsh hunter-gatherers turned out to be a duel of equals after all. Liverpool prevailed by the slimmest possible margin after a lottery of spot kicks. Nothing to shout aloud, but a win is a win, bragged an insufferable Liverpool lover. With Cardiff players sporting "Malaysia" strip, I was rooting for Cardiff. I'd been fantasizing about a QPR and Cardiff final, just for the thrill of watching "Malaysia" against "Malaysia". Did you notice "Genting" on Aston Villa shirts, and "Air Asia" on the Referees' sleeves? Malaysia is making a statement in English football. But not for long. Unlike the Air Asia business model, football franchise is high-cost and long-haul. Ego trip and personal folly aside, there's very little economic sense in chancing your arm with make-believe like Cardiff or QPR. Dump QPR and cut your losses, Tony. Buy Kelantan football team. They're better than Barcelona. Low cost, high passion, sellout crowd.
