Manchester United (MU) crashed out of the Champions League after an inexplicable loss to FC Basel. For the second time in less than a year, MU played like FU (Felda United). The whole social and anti-social media erupted into an all-out feeding frenzy, pouncing on the debacle in Basel with both delight and dejection: seismic, catastrophic, comic, and, simply, sick. The Gary Speed inquest is hardly done, and here's another one. Overnight the world over was awash with clever theories and hindsights. Senile Sir Alex, ugly Rooney, dud de Gea, no Cleverly, get Sneijder. Even Park Ji Sung, far right in above pic, wasn't spared (a bit unfair because he's supposed to only run, nothing else). One football writer offered five reasons for the scandalous performance. Not to be outdone, another suggested six. But both completely missed the point simply because they either hate MU or love MU. They're biased to the bone. As a long-suffering but impartial Manchester City fan, I'm just happy to jump in with my five REAL reasons:
1. Monotony: after 25 years of playing the same style and putting up with the same Scottish Gaelic language, MU as a team are bored to death. MU is, by and large, the proverbial one-trick pony. Only they're very very good at this one trick. If there's anybody who's successfully mechanised the art of football, it's MU. You could still see Keane, Pallister and Parker playing week in, week out this season even though they've long retired. With no semblance of variety and makeover, players (including Park Ji Sung) get tired, demotivated and even deluded. They collectively collapsed when they got found out at Old Trafford against Man City and in Basel against part-time watchmakers. And, of course, those one-nil, clean-sheet craps in between.
2. Manchester City: For the first time in 40 years, MU are substantively and earnestly upstaged by their perennially pathetic neighbours. So potent was neighbours' threat that MU had to resort to desperate taunting and name-calling: noisy neighbours, bitters, 35 years, football lessons, plastics, sheikh's toy. The Fergie-lapping media was just happy to fuel and foment the ill feeling. It's not so much Man City's newfound riches that irk MU, but more of their swaggering and irreverent pitchside ways. The 6-1 derby hiding at Old Trafford was the last straw. All in all, MU players are a mentally depressed and disturbed lot, Park Ji Sung included. You can't move if you're unhappy. Simple.
3. Otelul Galati. Or something. Until today MU players and the entire coaching staff are still wondering what they've done wrong to deserve a home-and-away fixture against this team. Champions League is treacherous enough as it is. Playing an obscure team with a strange moniker often adds an unwanted distraction and romance, not to mention Jonny Evans. The city of Galati is not far from the high forests of Transylvania (ha, ha, you know who slept here). So it's a bit of a stretch to expect MU to beat up Count's boys home and away and get away with it. All the rumours about his stake-to-the heart death are just that: rumours.
4. Michel Platini: You can't see the connection. Neither can I. But there has to be some connection. This is UEFA, remember. His loathing of big, rich and non-French teams is an open and shut case. If he could have his way, he'd have the French cycling team in the Champions League, taking on BATE, Apoel and Genk in a group of death. Lyon's cynical and convenient 7-1 away win is proof of his complicity. Circumstantial, but proof all the same. Resign, Platini, now.
Did I say five reasons? Actually it's four. I miscounted. Or I just couldn't improvise another one. Nonetheless, good reasons, all of them.
