Mindless Miscellany (No. 8)

We're still in 2011, just in case. And what do we have already: end of the world, no-fly Libya, 99.99% sex video, tsunami back where it belongs (Japan), Prince William took a wife, Sir Elton John became a wife, Obama killed Osama, Barca blew Man U, Parisian pervert nabbed in New York. Bags of big stories, but it's the daily turns that stand a redundant retiree on his head:

1. Wicked Cricket.

I don't understand. Every time I read or watch sports, there's an update or two on cricket. Test match in Colombo, match fixing in Karachi, dope in Delhi, like everybody cares about this low and slow sport. And there's even a Cricket World Cup to boot. I'm not sure which world, but the last one ran from March until April this year over a period of 43 days. 43 bloody days! Full 12 days longer than Football World Cup in South Africa, just because players and umpires need more time to understand cricket rules. If you're not from south Asia (or illiterate enough not know where south Asia is), chances are you don't understand cricket concept, rules and nomenclature (bats, balls, bowls, dope, wickets, howzat etc). Among my many friends, only Hamid understands cricket. He's a certified accountant, if you're wondering. Sorry I can't talk much about cricket. But I can tell you one cricket joke. It's a clever one, about Muttiah Muralitharan aka Murali, a fast and famous bowler from Sri Lanka. The way he bowled was so complex and controversial that some cricket critics deemed it illegal (he doesn't bowl, he throws). Now the joke. Question: What's the difference between Murali and Camilla Parker Bowles? Answer: Camilla Parker bowls.

2. National Disservice

Be afraid. The government is mulling a dead-brain proposal to extend the National Service (NS) for your 17-year-olds from current three months to six months. I'm already having sleepless nights. Yes, my two girls, 13 and 16. Admittedly their chances of being called up for NS are slim, but as long as there's a chance, I'll remain paranoid. NS tops my hate chart, above MPSJ and Indah Water (both collect money for no reason). I've never come across a government initiative shorter on purpose than NS. Good money (about RM300 mill a year) is being frittered away while some straight A students have to study marine biology in Dungun instead of medicine in Dublin. One of the purported objectives of NS is "to create a smarter, active and confident young generation". Really? How about all those schools, universities, colleges, university colleges, parents, Perkasa, pakar motivasi etc? What are they for? There's only one surefire way to improve NS: stop it. And declare the day we stop NS a public holiday. Please, minister or somebody.

3. Pretty Police

Pathetic piece of baloney, this one. Malaysian police is planning to station good-looking, smart and personable officers at all frontline positions (NST, 19 June). The main reason, you've to believe this, is to improve the public image and perception of the police (unfriendly, bureaucratic, corrupt and so on?). With most of the male models and Akademi Fantasia graduates now out of contract, all that's needed is just a crash intake and training for stage-to-street transition. Apparently this tactic isn't new. The Indonesian counterpart is mobilizing full-time and full-grown policewomen to report on daily traffic chaos in Jakarta on TV (reminds you of Copenhagen's speed-control bikini bandits?). Hopefully this works, so that we can fastrack our efforts to cure the burgeoning social and economic ills by extending the template: appoint only good-looking ministers, vote for good-looking MPs, promote good-looking customs officers, employ good-looking bus drivers and so on.


4. Failure is Success

Failure is now in fashion. "No such thing as failure, only feedback", cries one mantra. "Fail forward" is the new success. Some companies now celebrate or even encourage constructive failures. Nothing epitomizes the failure frenzy more than Rory McIlroy's epic triumph at the 111th US Open Golf recently. First, youngest, highest, lowest, simple superlatives were in short supply as the Woods-starved golf fraternity and media went into overdrive, raining high praises and accolades on the boy visionary. What's so remarkable about Rory's victory is that he's actually risen from the ashes of failure at the Augusta Golf Masters two months ago, in which he led until he limped on the very last day to finish 15th. "Augusta was a very valuable experience. I learned a few things about myself........I knew what I'd to do to win". Needless to say, Rory has learned and profited from his failure. But I'm sure he'd have preferred to win both.

5. Mike Tyson (Real One)

Last month, I was outraged when Astro ran a trailer of an upcoming Animal Planet production featuring Mike Tyson. I don't mind Iron Mike on Masterchef or I'm Not Smarter Than a 5th Grader, but Mike Tyson on an animal channel is unacceptable and bad, bad taste. I was distraught because, for me, Mike Tyson is a phenomenon, a living legend. In a world plagued by political sleaze and corporate scams, straight-talking Tyson stands out like a blast of fresh air. Reading about him, I couldn't help but conclude that he'd been massively misguided, a victim of circumstances and filthy friends, which explains that ear-chomping episode. How could they lump this fine and fair-minded human champion with the rhinos and hippos. He's not an animal, not even metaphorically. Imagine my relief when I discovered that that particular Animal Planet program actually showcased Tyson's deep passion and partiality for his first and true sport: raising and racing pigeons. I'm not entirely impressed, but at least I can see the animal connection.

6. Women's Football

For retirees with time and mind to spare, FIFA Women's Football World Cup currently on show in Germany is a tempting option. For those who grew up watching women playing netball for one hour and mahjong for one week, women's football is an acquired taste, just like operatic music. I'm ambivalent about women playing football. You've to agree that it's part of natural progression which includes weightlifting, wrestling and reckless driving. About the only female-free sport in the free world now is parallel parking, which even a woman footballer with 30 years of driving experience would avoid. Sorry if I sound sexy or sexist, but the jury is still out, with opinions largely diverging from supportive to downright cynical. Are women smart enough to understand the offside rule? Should they be allowed to do Tevez's goal celebration jigs? Unlike their miserable male counterparts, the US women's team always perform well because American women play football while American men play American football (which is actually wrestling). Sepp Blatter, head of FIFA no less, even suggested tighter shorts for women footballers to ramp up waning interest. But judging by the 73,000 sellout crowd in the opening game in Berlin, no sartorial transformation is necessary. Proof that Blatter is a big-time sex pervert. An excited fellow retiree messaged me this morning to look out for one J Lo look-alike in the Mexico team. Apparently he'd watched the Mexico-England game (pervert!). Thanks, mate. I'm watching cricket for now.

Seven reasons why MU played like FU.....!

The Champions League final is already ancient history. But the tragedy, comedy and mystery linger. Why did Manchester United (MU) play like Felda United (FU)?

MU lost to Barcelona. Well, this should go down as the understatement of the year even with more than six months of the 2011 remaining. The 3-1 scoreline in the one-sided affair on 28 May is technical to the core. It's a 5-0 Catalan cakewalk by any standard of fair play. MU had been ruthless and unstoppable before that Wembley whitewash, dismantling Chelsea and Schalke with aplomb. But the way they’re bullied and battered by Barcelona belies belief.

British tabloids were measured and restrained in their response, taking great pains to cover up darling team's pedestrian performance by heaping praise and more praise on Barcelona. A clever misdirection for an untrained eye. But the rest of us know better. British football literates, pundits and pundeks are, by and large, articulate bootlickers pandering to Sir Alex and his attack dog Gary Neville. Since I don’t owe Alex anything, I’m free to explain and expound why MU played like FU and sank in shame. Don’t get me wrong. I was rooting for MU and wanted them to win simply because of my visceral soft spot for English teams. I was firmly behind Liverpool when they won over and lost to AC Milan. I’ve been following the English League for longer than 100 years now. In my schooldays I begged and borrowed to buy Shoot, a football (not rifle) magazine. It’s only fair that I should be allowed my two-sen.

Now for my seven reasons:

1. Team formation: Fergie’s famed 4-4-2 or 4-4-1-1 or whatever was doomed from the first whistle. Barcelona are unplayable when they’re in form, and they hit form every playing day. So the only formation that has a ghost of a chance is 10-0-0, known lovingly as the PTB. Yes, park the bus. MU should take a leaf out of neighbour’s playbook. Man City’s Mancini, bred and broken in Milan, has honed this fine art to perfection. Italy won the World Cup four times by defending to death.

2. Team line-up: One look at the team, you’ll see a horde of hard runners with a combined skill equivalent to all 30% of Lionel Messi’s. Michael Carrick is a huge talent as a bricklayer, but not a ball-player. Park Ji Sung ran before, during and after the game. He’s still running while you’re reading this.

3. Ryan Giggs: Let’s be honest. This serial shagger had no business groping about on the field alongside Wayne Rooney, a relatively respectable guy given that he’s only an occasional shagger. He should be off the field doing what he does best with that priceless grand injunction.

4. Rio and Vidic: Over-rated and over the hill, this defensive duo were apparently having a divine time watching and marveling at poetry in motion as Barcelona players stroked the ball right under their noses with sheer finesse and panache. Should we blame them?

5. Lionel Messi.

6. British Media and Arsene Wenger: Together they spun the hype. Arse lived up to his name by loudly suggesting a MU win. The media, while grudgingly giving Barelona the nominal edge, were actually bullish and upbeat about MU’s prospects. Result: MU’s pumped-up ego and irrational exuberance. They’re caught pants down and only recovered five seconds from the final whistle.

7. Sir Alex was posturing for the FIFA job: Mere conjecture. MU’s loss would allow a rare opportunity for our friend to be gracious and magnanimous in defeat. He didn’t blame the referee or any conspiracy and looked all-round a saner, cleaner candidate than Blatter or Hammam.


I know some MU hardliners will find this less than funny. Loads of bollocks, they'd howl, baying for my blood. Go ahead, guys. Bring out that video. Oh, I'm sure our friendly PM and wife aren't too offended by these sly digs and jibes at their blue-eyed team. At least I mentioned Felda United in the same breath to balance things out. Touching on the local la liga, my home team Kelantan, the Red Warriors, are all poised for the league and FA Cup titles. Catalan and Kelantan rhyme in an uncanny way. No coincidence if you compare the way both teams play! Now that’s funny.